Being around him is never fun. We are getting serious about our relationship (talking moving in, marriage etc)and I feel VERY uncomfortable (borderline unacceptable) with his commitment. If worse thing is that his parents absolutely do not qualify for anything, you will have to decide if you can live with two extra dependents on your tab on a monthly/yearly basis, times X number of years that they have left. His parents dont have any other source of income at least for next 3 years or so until they become citizens and qualify for some sort of social assistance. Of course, most couples choose to still keep personal accounts, but they will have a joint account to save money for bills every month. Rent, groceries, bills, car, cellphone, you name it. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Need Advice! Can you please share your experience with me? He is a really nice gentleman. Also he lied abut the amount he was giving. Others have to pay alimony. I have a good income, own two properties (live in one and rented the other) and not a bad savings. I would clearly ask what he expects and I would state your concerns, and if things don't change to a livable situation that does not end with a married couple with their own lives and privacy like you want, then end it. When you're dating a man who is not financially stable, be ready to be his sponsor or bank. If he needs to work two jobs to pay his parents bills while hes still living with them, he certainly cant afford the expenses of a second household. His parents are not citizens (yet) and dont qualify for Social Security. Well, lets just say they likely arent getting many accolades on the other side, either. BTW: I have even talked to people at my company and found job intereviews for her to go to, becasuse she says her jobs don't give her enough hours (ha) and she just doesn't gosays that she "forgot about it". . Most couples talk about money, and its natural to want to talk to your spouse about income and outgoings. I think you need to decide what your bottom line is and if having his Mom living with you or financially dependent on you is not acceptable, then frankly i think this guy is not the right guy for you. Boyfriend's financially supporting his mom!!! /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. Subscribe to our free Business by the Bay newsletter. Let me make a distinction of what I am NOT saying here: I am not saying to reassure him. A few really good points, one really good script. This signals that he may not see you as an equal. Although not everyone in debt is irresponsible and should be blanketed as users, if your partner has financial problems and hes using your money to survive, its not good news! She is Hispanic and my boyfriend says she was raised not to work but be stay at home mom. I think that right now you need to not focus on "making this work" as far as you rolling over and seeing how you can get yourself to like this, but being honest and if you are miserable with it, be honest with yourself. I'm not thrilled, but I'd rather live at home with him, than rent and waste money we could have used for a house. HELP!!! I feel like most responses are going to say - you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drinkif he's still doing this at 27(almost) then either get over it, or find another man but I can't just get over itand I really want to try to make this work.. if his parents are divorced and she got nothing or his mom is widowed and he is the only child, he might feel guilty or obligated. When your boyfriend doesn't help you financially, you're left to use up all of your own money and that's not all right. My boyfriend and I have wanted to move in together for a few years. When we first met . Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Dr. Buckingham. When Its Not:Estes says there are certain red flags that should not be overlooked. AH! Am I making a mistake? Letsgetstarted. If you know that your spouse doesn't have a savings account, its a sign that hes financially irresponsible or has experienced long-term money issues, both of which are just going to add to your reasons that hes using you. When youre getting married, you will most likely commit to being financially tied, meaning you will probably have a joint bank account. However, forgiveness can play a crucial role in healing and growth, both for individuals and for relationships as a whole. .You are not going to like my reply but this is hardly a surprise. I struggle financially and my rich boyfriend won't help. Better yet, these traits can help to make a relationship work even when youve had an initial set-back. Were looking for an apartment that we can afford together, which, given our expenses, shouldnt be an issue. Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com. Started Monday at 06:41 PM, By The Laundry/Love Equation:OK, so lets be real: anyone with long workdays and a busy social life knows that take-out numbers are called and tube socks occasionally find a home on the floor. She has two jobs (technically), but one is just helping out a family friend water plants at various business offices (so pay isn't that great or stable) and the second job is a part time retail gig (she gets 20 hours MAX if lucky a week)she will complain she has no money and then give away like 10 hours worth of shifts at her retail job because her "back hurts". Your husband doesnt have to give you money, just as you dont have to give your husband money. Our families helped us as much as they could, but for the most part we are self-made. Have an honest talk and set boundaries, and pay careful attention to his response and how he treats you. His child support, truck payment, etc., leaves him only $600 to contribute to the household. So, without further adieu, lets get into it! Our son struggled with some mental-health issues in high school. He Always Takes More Than He Gives. My boyfriend and I agree that we cannot live with his parents as a couple for various reasons. WOAH - totally inaccurrate..and totally NOT the type of response I should be hearing from a guy I am considering committing the REST OF MY LIFE TO! In about half (49%) of couples in which the husband and wife are both at least 25 years old . Unfortunately, our website is currently unavailable in your area. If your man cant live on a budget, and its your money that hes going over budget with, - hes not keeping to a budget because he doesnt care about spending your money, its not his after all. First, talk to your boyfriend about it. They seem really happy for him that hes dating and are very nice to me. Or youd be forced to drastically lower your living standards to accommodate their support. For example, its quite acceptable for one partner to pay for the bills, but the other pay for everyday expenses for example. Shesays an ability to make a long-term commitment gives insight into his value system. The more you work on yourself and build self-confidence, the more you can bring to the relationship. . Ive told him my concerns and he was receptive to them, though neither of us knows what to do next. For a woman, she can be unable to commit to paying her bills on time, but she can totally be down to commit to a man for life. I worry it will haunt both of us as we take the next steps in our lives (renting an apartment soon, buying a home of our own in the future). The point is, he doesn't have disposable income left, but I do. Its important to have alone time, friend time, and hobbies outside of the relationship to allow partners to be excited to come back together and share their stories, says Estes. Started Thursday at 10:05 PM, By One cousin even took one of my mother's designer purses to give to her . Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents. The Life Of His Own/Relationship Equation:Im obviously not suggesting that every woman start loving the idea of a Costa Rican bachelor party blow-out (sorry, gentlemen, I know too much), but imagine never having time to unwind with your girls over a bottle of wine or take that trip to the ultimate spa retreat with your bestie? Your boyfriend isnt the one who asked me for advice, though. As to the first point, I agree he cannot simply abandon his parents and stop paying for them cold turkey when he has himself created that codependency and shows no signs of stopping it. Here it goes: My boyfriend (26 going on 27) and I (21) have been together for two years and for the past year he and I have shared a 2bdroom 2 bath apartment with his mother. My partners at different times were understanding but there was an unpleasant aspect that created some negativity around the subject sin. Post author: Post published: June 29, 2022; Post category: spectrum cable line repair; This leaves my boyfriend and I having to pay for what she can't and has been causing tension and stress! I feel his parents are his children though. If his name is on the mortgage, it will increase his debt-to-income ratio. It is ridiculous of him to accuse you of not saving money while he hands huge wads to his mother. Do not focus on his mom. Thats a much bigger problem than figuring out who is going to take out the trash. IF what he says is even true about them not being able to work, not having savings, and can't get benefits. Being a motivated human being is far sexier than sitting on a fat stack of cash (although I'm not going to lie, the fat stack of cash doesn't exactly hurt your case). We had a talk a month ago and I told him how I feel about him supporting his parents this way. I think its important to get to the root of the matter and find out why he feels obligated to help her out in the manner that he does. If your spouse is using you for your finances, he will ensure that all of the household finances fall back on you. Receive weekly tips & tricks to improve your love life. Family-obsessed is another story. I I work two jobs, and he works one. I earn slightly less but dont have many debts or expenses. You will be able to tell if your husband is using you financially if you notice any of the signs that are listed above. It's only a 50 pound difference, but he regularly lied to my face regarding it, and that really brought this all to a head. because she said she just is too "nervous and anxious" to deal with problems, so tries to get my boyfriend to deal with all of her bull * * * * . Fortnite I have come to the same conclusion, but want to make sure I am not making a mistake or missing something that I have problem with his current lifestyle. When Its Workable:If your man has recently changed directions, graduated school or been laid off, give him a break. We are now paying their rent, so that the rest of them can afford to buy a house. Love is sweet but it's sweeter if the two parties support each other financially . Boyfriend's financially supporting his mom!!! If it's immaturity, bad luck, or basically circumstantial stuff, then maybe it's not unsalvageable. If his family is so far up on the pedestal where they always come first and take precedence over anything else, including you, youll feel run over, says Estes. Or any other mistakes they make. He lived with his mom when I met him because he said she needed his help financially - which back then I had no idea HOW much help and of course I was younger and more naive so I thought it was "sweet" he took care of his mom. When hurt or harm is inflicted, it can be difficult to move past it and continue to build a healthy and happy relationship. 1. But you're not obligated to financially support him. A mans work ethic is a reflection of his character, says Jennine Estes, M.F.T and author ofRelationships In The Raw. You've only been with him a year, so i wouldn't get involved any deeper with him til this is resolved. His current financial situation is because of wrong investments and mostly putting all his savings in one basket, trying to have his own business and spending substantial amounts of money with little success. Even if true, I told him I dont mind he doesnt have a house or in debt, one thing I have hard time accepting is giving a min of $2k/mo to them. ( I found out yesterday, and am really upset he lied to me) Sometimes they ask for more on top (another 100) and we give them that too. IF this is an absolute dealbreaker I would just move on without commenting on his financial situation. These skills are not only about self-sufficiency (and a dislike of smells and critters), but show that one is interested in enjoying life and not too lazy to go beyond the basics. To that end you need to have a serious conversation and find out how he lost his savings and exactly what these "poor financial decisions" were and why is he so far in debt. The more you grow, the more the relationship can grow, says Estes. Ask friends and family for donations to this account while noting you will pay them back once you are on your feet. He's not using our joint savings to pay his family, it's usually his own money, but sometimes he doesn't have it, so I help. We're looking for an apartment that we can afford together, which, given our expenses, shouldn't be an issue. I come off controlling, and he comes off like he can't prioritize me. In most relationships, especially in marriages, both partners give and take when it comes to finances and the financial burden is never put onto one person. He has stood by my side through the very rough cancer diagnosis and my recovery.Two years ago, when I victoriously beat cancer, we went away for an idyllic beach . If this is the same arrangement when you are married, it could get worse when mom and hubby make financial decisions together and nothing you can say because you were fine with it. If you are unhappy in your marriage and you feel alone, used, unappreciated, or unloved, as mentioned above, its either time to sort the situation out with your partner and get back on track with your marriage, or its time to decide to call it quits and say go one way whilst your partner goes the other. He has no savings or own property because of bad financial decisions that has left him $50k in the hole. 2. He gives them 350 every month. Offering to do something, such as making their car payment, may help them avoid a short-term crisis and give them the little extra time they need to work out of their situation.
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